Black Coffee

        Today I was discussing with K what direction I want my life to move in. I found out that the person who got me this 20 hour job that I enjoy, is now looking to increase her hours. Since I am at the bottom of the totem poll I knew that meant that I was going to have less hours.

     This didn't make me mad, or upset. I understand that it is not only I who needs money. Money (although not real and total bullshit) is the base of our society. It's how we afford the things we have, and sometimes are able to go into debt to get the things we want. Money helps us maintain the products we have, and they create this false idea of worth.

      I do not want to live a life where I am in a race to make the most money and to be on the top of the totem poll. it seems like such a dead end. Whether I step on people get to the top of the totem poll or whether I am being stepped on in pursuit of getting to the top, someone is getting stepped on in pursuit of a piece of paper. What kind of noble citizen am I really being? What kind of human being am I?

     I am in pursuit of something so much more. I want to fight hunger. First within myself and then outward for the community. I fully understand that money is a part of the world I live in, and it takes money to travel. It takes money to buy things. But overall... living a sustainable life. Giving back to the earth, and people of it... is what fuels my heart. Teaching people ways to sustain their life. Teaching people ways to step outside of the rat RACE and be a part of the HUMAN RACE.

   I don't want my ENTIRE day.. my ENTIRE LIFE to be counted on my job to provide my family with food and shelter. That's something that is naturally given to me by God and Mother Earth herself. I have the power and intelligence to learn how to use the Earth and resources in my favor and in the favor of the world. I want my money and my job to be a nice little connection to the society and the people in it. For the money that it gives me to better my life not to create it. I am the creator of my life, and I plan on creating.

Too Much Cinnamon

    I have been in some of the foulest moods. I can't figure out what is going on with me. I don't know if it's a normal occurrence for mothers, but I am ready for a break. I need to get K and E away from me for a few days. What would I do without them here? Probably just miss them, but... I feel like I'm irritated that I am a mom.

    I know that I have been having a lot of thoughts lately. None that go with a particular area of thought, but it's been everywhere. I do feel like they may be more unrealistic and negative than positive, and maybe it's changing my thought process of reality.

    She's just so amazing. She's getting so rotten though. She thinks she is the boss of everything. She hits. She tells me no CONSTANTLY. She fights with you when you NEED to do something, like change her diaper, or lay her down for bedtime or nap time.

 I believe that I am becoming so irritated that the relationship between me and E is changing. We fight. She thinks it's a game, and it just makes me more angry. I don't feel like medication is necessary, but I need someone to do something with. I need a hobby or something. Like taking a workout class or maybe going to CA music house and learning an instrument. It really isn't that expensive but it's a cost that I can't afford right now.

It seems like the less action I do the less I care, the more I think and the less I do. Like an endless cycle of being stuck inside of your brain. Hopefully my cycle doesn't end in a bad way. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of the cycle and find my way out of the darkness. I hope that we can be a strong family force rather than not.

Oatmeal and Green Tea

   

     Namaste and Good morning,

                     As fall arrives I quickly take notice to my body's response. What a challenging time of year for most of us. Sometimes I don't even notice the tolls it takes on my mental health and thus leading me down a long, winding road to negativity. Because of these thoughts lead to feelings and the feelings lead to action (or lack thereof), I've decided to start blogging again. I don't really know what I am looking for here. But I know that I enjoy writing my thoughts and that I cannot find a reason to not release this negative or positive energy, which usually ends with some clarity. So do not seek truth in my thoughts or my writings. I'm just writing down in hopes for growth, as a writer, as a mom, as a human, as a spiritual being, and so on. So, bare with me through this path of growth as I write down thoughts that my mind so creatively creates into my reality.

        This morning was the supposed to be the first day that I take back my eating habits and my life. However, I can honestly tell you, this isn't the first day. This isn't the first time. This probably won't be the last time. I never noticed how addicted to junk food I was until I started researching about natural health and how eating "correctly" not only brings bodily clarity, it brings so much clarity to your mind and your soul.
And when I say eating "correctly", I am not talking about starving yourself. I am talking taking time out of your day and life to educate yourself about... YOU.

    I am so disappointed that the education system failed to tell me what a marvel we are. Some of my studies have shown me how the human body is such a complex and perfectly timed and tuned being. It has a control system (the brain) that teaches itself. That's right. From the day you are born, you have no coordination. You have no sense of the world. You just are a being, soaked in newness, freshness... and good. But within the first few years of your life, you make all of these connections with your brain. You teach it how to control your muscles. You teach it how to sync up the parts of your brain that control the muscles, and the eye to begin to develop your gross and fine motor skills. It begins to record how to use your muscles in your mouth to talk. It records how to say these words and creates association with the items or people or things that you see.

Not only did they not tell me how the body truly functions, the education system continually fails to teach us how to take care of this body. They failed to tell me that sometimes what you are paying attention to the food you are putting into your body, you don't realize the damage it does. I'm not just talking about obesity, diabetes, heart conditions, etc... I am talking about the effect it has on your MIND.

       THE MIND IS LIMITLESS. But that does not make it immortal. Your brain is a part of your body, and just like other organs in your body may need more things to help it function, the brain is no different. Not taking care of yourself can not just change your being, but it can totally change your reality.

   On this spiritual journey, I have realized the importance of my health. I really hope to continue to eat things that support cell regrowth, to support my immune system, and to support my physical, mental, and spiritual growth.

  I hope this blog is the start of something new and amazing for myself.